Picture the satisfied hum of chattering dancers after class. Clomping in new pointe shoes back to their sides of the room to finish sewing that perfect "frankenstien" pinch into the arch of their satin, letting out a few accidental groans as the foam roller hits the low back just where their muscles need it most, rustling in their bag to find that lone legwarmer that keeps going missing. And then there are the ones still in the middle of the studio. Practicing that illusive triple pirouette, drilling entrechecat's, or working out that sticky portion of a bit of choreography that never goes right in rehearsal. Can I tell you something embarrassing? As a professional dancer I was scared to be that person. So crippled by what my peers in the company might think of my efforts or my failures that it felt so much easier just to clomp back to the locker room and pick out my rehearsal leo.... or sit on the side and check my phone. I've since learned about the phrase "self-objectification". I just looked up the definition for us: "Self-objectification is the psychological process where someone views themselves as a physical object to be looked at and evaluated by others, rather than a whole person, internalizing outside pressures to focus on physical appearance." Yeah... that. It is tough to look back on and realize the growth and satisfaction in my craft I missed out on because of that. But it wasn't always that way. As a young dancer my peers and I were all trying to outwork each other. Getting a teacher's attention was the best possible thing. Receiving corrections was the prize we were all shooting for: the sign the teacher saw our efforts and believed in us. What changed?
I ask myself often, "if I could go back, what would I do differently?" The honest answer is that I don't have a perfect answer. I don't have a quick fix I want to prescribe my former self, or you, dear reader, if you find yourself in any kind of a similar pickle. I'll say this: the work IS the prize. The day you stop finding satisfaction in your own growth, the nitty-gritty, the stuff no one really is watching for... that's the day you need to hang up the boots or reassess your relationship with dance. I think joy in the work, joy in the movement, can be lost and found again. Buried under our own self-consciousness or anxiety. Buried under the pressure and the pain of the ballet life. But breakthrough can happen, and mindset shifts CAN be made to bring new confidence and delight to your life in the studio. (If I had met my amazing ballet mindset coach friend earlier in life, I just know I could've gotten a head start on this and enjoyed a bit more of my career.)
So my advice? Seek the satisfaction that comes in growth and mastery over and above the comfort in blending in. Try something tricky. Fall down. Laugh. Ask your peers or coaches for their eyes and corrections. Don't practice the stuff you're already good at for an ego boost. That will get you exactly nowhere. Practice the stuff you're bad at. Just one person bold and humble enough to do this can shift the attitude of a room or even a company. And remember what you fell in love with about dance in the first place. Harness that. Relish it. Move your body because you love to, because you can, because one day your life in the studio might change or disappear and you'll wish you had wrung out all the joy you could.
xx
Your former professional ballerina friend,
Constance
